I never thought it would happen to me. Classic statement i know. But in all honesty i never even thought about it. The concept of losing a baby or having issues conceiving never crossed my mind, not for one second. I thought it would be easy. I was wrong…
Since i could remember i knew i wanted to be a mother, a rainbow family of seven i used to say (what was i thinking?!).
At 22 years old, without even trying we planted a star seed within my womb. I remember the night of conception. Lets be honest – we stumbled in at 4am after an alcohol fuelled night oblivious to the fact that as we were watching the sunrise outside our window after doing “the deed” we had already created what was to be our biggest adventure yet.
Fast forward 6 weeks and i was patiently waiting for my period. “Maybe i should take a pregnancy test?” We laughed it off. I did it anyway and immediately the 2 pink lines appeared. I sat on the toilet for about 15 minutes just staring into space with millions of butterflies in my stomach. I had never felt so many emotions at once. I was happy, overjoyed and full of light but all at the same time scared, nervous and forever changed.
The nervousness immediately left me as i told my partner. We had talked about having kids so many times, but i was still so nervous to break it to him, how silly i was. He was over the moon and held me tighter and longer than ever before. At that moment i was the happiest i had ever been.
I had the perfect pregnancy, no complications, a healthy active baby, and felt more than ready to enter motherhood. My birth was the same – 2 days before my due date, on valentines day, my waters broke. After only four hours and a beautiful natural birth i had my baby boy skin to skin and breastfeeding like a pro. All was perfect.
My journey into motherhood was hard. Learning along the way each and every day. Sleep deprivation hit me hard, mastitis almost killed me for 3 horrible weeks, but i had never felt a love like this.
After 2 years i realised that my baby was growing up way.too.fast. We started talking more babies. I was half way through uni and having financial difficulties so we planned on starting to try again at a later date and i went to my doctor to get the pill. Little did we know that it takes a while for it to work…
Those 2 pink lines appeared again. We were pregnant, just 5 weeks. But not for long.
We started to get excited about the thought of giving Ellis a little brother or sister and to grow our family. It had settled in and we were overjoyed!
I hate the colour red now. It scares me. Seeing those spots of blood is the worst experience. The sadness hits you hard, straight in the face. Your stomach does somersaults and your eyes well up. What? Why? What is wrong with me? Questions that will never be answered…
I had miscarried at 7 weeks. The ultrasound was the worst, i closed my eyes the whole time. “I’m sorry, it’s gone” he said.
Skip 2 more years – My little wild one is now 3, i am nearly finished uni, and settled in a new home. The cluckiness has hit me hard. The pill is in the bin.
I want to smell your sweet baby scent, touch your tiny soft hands and feel your fingers wrap around my finger as you feed on my milk. I want to look into your innocent little eyes, watch your pink heart shaped lips suckle as you sleep. I want to watch your daddy hold and sing to you. I want all of this. And more.
I never wanted to have to “try” for a baby. I had it in my head all along that it would just happen naturally when it was supposed to or when we wanted it to. But reality has now hit me. We started to talk about conception, fertility, ovulation, all of it. I downloaded the app, spoke to my doctor, got the ovulation tests. We were ready.
But it happened again. And again. The spots of blood. The tears. The emptiness and hollowness of my womb. That’s 3, 3 in a row. What? Why? Is it me? Again, no answers…
Every month. Every god damn month we wait. Oh the 2 week wait.
My secret pinterest board is overflowing with conception, fertility and pregnancy tips.
Women around me having babies, everywhere. Is is the season for it? It seems like there is an abundance of pregnancies, but not for me.
Now before i end this i want to add that not many people know that we are trying. Not many at all. Some may even think it is not the right time for us. But lets be honest – Is there ever a perfect time?
It took me a lot to write this, it is a personal story straight from the heart. Some may think i have over-shared but being in this position i have found comfort in reading other women’s conception stories. So if i can reach others who are experiencing the same i will be happy.
We are happy, more than ever, things are good, except something is missing. We now know what that is and are trying so so hard to fill that gap of existence.
We want you so so bad little love, we know you’re out there. We are ready for you now…
Love and light,
**If you would like to share your conception journey please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org